Also, saying “I’ll cross that bridge when I get there” feels a bit manipulative, but I know you don’t want a third.
to be decided: Not “manipulative”. it is deceptive. Please stand up and deal with it. “I know you want a big family. ‘Four will make you happy.'” So: can you satisfy two people?
“As long as I love you, and we —I can’t be a part of the life you don’t want. So really think about it and tell me if two kids with me sounds like the life you want most in the world.
No matter how you say it, cross that bridge now. It is very important to get this straight before getting married.
Again, family planning and family reality don’t always line up. You can agree on six and charge nothing. They are very different, each valid, and each deserves to be as close to their ideals as possible. Good luck.
Re: Kids: also talks big about how that family works. He is a true 50/ Do you expect to partner with 50? Or do you just think big families are “fun” without thinking about logistics?
Unfortunately, research shows that women still do most of the emotional and domestic work for their families. I personally know a lot of men who want more kids but are well below 50%. They get the fun part!
dear carolyn:My husband’s brother got married to a really bad guy. Over the years, her mother-in-law and I really bonded over our shared distaste for this person and how it reinforces our notions of ourselves and each other. ’ Then we realized it was really ugly behind her back and agreed to her quitting.
A year later, we still feel awkward about it and I don’t think we can figure out how to find the same intimacy with each other without going back to the well of gossip about my sister-in-law. It feels like the joy of denying ourselves.
gossip: Conversation with your mother-in-law seems fun. seriously. If we stop gossiping together, why don’t we rebuild the scorched earth together? It also seems to promote intimacy — something to work on together.