January 16, 2021

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped

Papaya.
Why, why would such a thing grow in CLUSTERS? From the top of an extremely TALL, extremely thin TREE ?! This is a HAZARD. They dont even look pleased there!

Cashew.
I understand that coconuts are actually berries (fuck that), peanuts grow underground, and that the rest of the nuts, for the many part, are “tree nuts”. Walnuts, hazelnuts, Brazil nuts, pistachios, what all these tree nuts have in typical is that they come from inside a pod that grows on a tree, as is right and just. Cashews, those sick bastards, grow from the really bottom of this … this bell pepper imposter, on the OUTSIDE, and then call themselves tree nuts?

Broccoli.
If theres any vegetable that I, you, and probably the remainder of the nation feels like we should have the ability to depend upon, its broccoli. It had actually constantly been a vegetable of truth and self-respect. It was a veggie that stated, “This is me, precisely as I am. No skin, no odd plant hairs (looking at you, corn), just equivalent parts hardy stalk and fun little branch things.” But we have been deceived. Getty Images/iStockphoto To hell with all of this. Like Brussels sprouts, broccoli is a relative of the cabbage, and if theres one thing weve learnt more about cabbages today its that they can not be trusted. Not just is the broccoli “crown” (what a self exemplary asshole) without a doubt the least excellent part of this entire operation, the plants grow to around two-and-a-half-feet-tall. Which is the size of the average young child. Why would you trick us like this, broccoli?! You wear a crown of LIES.

Artichokes part II.
Listen, I likewise believed I was done being mad about artichokes. Up until I discovered this! Image is public domain Artichokes are a flower?! And not simply any flower, however a thistle?! So what does this mean, then? Eeyore, the melancholy donkey who resides in a shack does not consume thistles because theyre spiky and wicked and that would be on brand for him, but because he has a refined taste buds and delights in French greens ?!? Get out of here. Get the HELL out.

The thing about living in lockdown for a year( ish) is in some way having both too much and insufficient time. For example, running errands like going to the grocery store or the bank take an entire lot longer than they used to. On the flip side, working from house (and generally just not going anywhere ever) implies my 30-minute commute from my home to my office has actually developed into a 3-minute commute from my bed to my table.
( This likewise implies that the 20 minutes I utilized to spend getting ready each early morning has turned into 20 minutes of absolutely nothing since who the hell is still placing on actual pants and shirts with, like, buttons, am I right? Am I? Guys?).
What is one to do with an extra 30-50 minutes at the start and end of each day? Well I suppose one might get a get on the meals, do some laundry. Perhaps, say, utilize this time to start checking out more books. Maybe even choose up a new hobby. I, nevertheless, have actually selected to fill this time with none of these things and instead use it to answer the dumb questions that rattle around my pea brain while Im in the shower or waiting for coffee to complete developing.
Questions like, “What does asparagus look like when its growing?”.
As an outcome I can validate that having excessive additional time is a curse, due to the fact that after practically one year of using it to Google these concerns and travel down the subsequent rabbit holes that open, I now understand how numerous fruits, vegetables, spices, nuts, and so on grow.
And, folks, I want to god I didnt.
Ive found out that some of our most cherished, precious, even staple produce grow in truly dreadful– attempt I say offending– ways. Listen, I do not enjoy writing about these terrible plants, however Im gon na do it anyway, due to the fact that if anything can bring us together throughout this dark duration of seclusion and distancing, its being absolutely fucking livid about what a complete headache Brussels sprouts are.
That being stated,.

Asparagus.
I honestly didnt think I might be more disappointed in asparagus, and then I found out it grows like this. It grows the way you stick your asparagus into mashed potatoes as a kid to make them look cool and prevent consuming them at the very same time. Im simply not getting any kind of style or interest from you, asparagus, and perhaps thats why youre not very good.

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Brussels sprouts.
Alright, to start with, the fact that theyre called “Brussels sprouts” is sufficient factor to be pissed off. (If youre just discovering that its not “Brussel sprouts” or even “Brussels sprouts” right now understand that I am sorry and I do feel your pain.) Look, I know that the city is called Brussels, however thats no fucking excuse for that lots of Ss. As if that wasnt bad enough, look at how the fuck these Belgian assholes grow. Getty Images/Westend61 Are you kidding me? Are you fucking joking me? Brussels sprouts are a type of cabbage. Have you ever seen a cabbage grow like this? With a stalk and leaves at the top? Like were cosplaying a goddamn tree? No, since other cabbages have actually a thing called decency.

Plums grow on trees. We understand this. Considering that the Davidson plum does, in reality, grow on a tree, you d think that it d be impossible to be mad about this fruit. And yet! Image is public domain Im so– Im so exhausted. In a fair world, in a world where great dominates evil, we would have international peace and Davidson plums would grow from the branches of trees. But we dont reside in a great and reasonable world. We reside in hell, and in hell Davidson plums are enabled to grow out of the goddamn trunk. God is gone.

Pineapples.
Are you informing me that it doesnt grow from the leaves on the top? It grows from the fuckin bottom? And it does this from a plant that looks like it has no organization being associated with it ?! Whats the point of the leaves on the leading then?? What are the leaves for?! Why do you look like you were just superglued to a random succulent, Liarfruit ??!

Artichokes.
Artichoke hearts, artichoke dip, I do not care what form theyre in, Im game. They look like succulents, they should grow like succulents? Image is public domain What factor does a durable food like an artichoke have to grow at the tippy top of such a thin plant?

I REFUSE to think that DRAGON FRUIT-SLASH-PITAYA, one of the most ELITE fruits, grow at the end of these gangly, floppy succulent tree arms, like a fucking tumor, like someone attempted to decorate a sad cactus on a budget plan, like their goal was to turn the “whomp-whomp” sound result into a plant. I understand that coconuts are actually berries (fuck that), peanuts grow underground, and that the rest of the nuts, for the a lot of part, are “tree nuts”. Walnuts, hazelnuts, Brazil nuts, pistachios, what all these tree nuts have in typical is that they come from inside a pod that grows on a tree, as is right and simply. Cashews, those ill bastards, grow from the extremely bottom of this … this bell pepper imposter, on the OUTSIDE, and then call themselves tree nuts? Because the Davidson plum does, in reality, grow on a tree, you d think that it d be difficult to be mad about this fruit.

Pitaya/ Dragon fruit.
Dragon fruit is fucking lovely. Spectacular. A masterpiece. Its pliable and soft, pink and green on the outside, and after that like the La Croix of kiwis on the inside. Also, its called motherfucking dragon fruit. Too bad just like real dragons, this fruit would be cool if it wasnt a FAKE BITCH. Getty Images/iStockphoto No. Nope. Absolutely not. I REFUSE to believe that DRAGON FRUIT-SLASH-PITAYA, one of the most ELITE fruits, grow at the end of these gangly, floppy succulent tree arms, like a fucking tumor, like someone tried to decorate a sad cactus on a budget plan, like their goal was to turn the “whomp-whomp” sound result into a plant. NUH UH.