October 27, 2020

How To Carve A Pumpkin You Can Have Sex With

Pumpkin carving is as time-honored a fall tradition as hot apple cider and turning leaves. If theres one function most sculpted pumpkins significantly lack, its a hole you can fuck. Normally theyve got like a ghost face on em … or a witch face on em … and, yeah, theyre enjoyable to take a look at but theyre practically difficult to put your dick in.
Invest a crisp autumnal night nutting into a pumpkin by following these easy actions: Original image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 1) Cut a hole in the top of the pumpkin. It doesnt matter the size cause this is NOT the hole youre gon na fuck.
Original image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 2) Take in the odor of the pumpkin while you can cause its about to smell much even worse in here.
Original image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 3) Scoop out that gross goopy things in the pumpkin but NOT ALL OF IT. Trust us that youre gon na want some of that gross goopy stuff.
Original image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 4) Turn on Netflix, go to Thrillers and put on Wild Things.
Original image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 5) Now that youre hard, youre all set to measure the girth of your penis. Length is unimportant so only measure that if youre curious.

6) Once you have the girth of your penis, match it approximately among the pumpkin carving patterns discovered here.
Initial image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 7) Print out the pattern and put it on your pumpkin.
Original image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 8) Carve along the dotted lines to make your “Glory Hole.” Call it a “Gory Hole” if you wan na feel more festive.
Initial image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 9) DO NOT PUT A LIT CANDLE IN THE PUMPKIN!!!! THIS IS TRADITIONALLY SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS WHEN CARVING PUMPKINS BUT NOT THIS TIME !! TRUST United States !!
Original image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 10) Tell your pumpkin shes really cute but she d be a lot prettier if she smiled a bit.
Initial image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 11) Place penis in hole and just go to fucking town on that gourd. (Arent you happy you conserved those pumpkin guts ?!).
Original image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins OH SHIT WE FORGOT STEP 1 WAS “LOCK THE DOOR!” GO BACK AND DO THIS FIRST !!
Original image for Funny Or Die by Mike Scollins 13) If you forgot the “lock the door” step, make your fuck pumpkin into a pie for your roomie so he forgives you.

Initially published October 2014.