Weve held on to the exact same few phrases to explain this trashcan fire of a year, and theyve been so completely tired by the media, e-mails from brands dropping in to state simply since its the end times doesnt indicate you cant still buy their shit, and probably all bosses at the start of every business Zoom conference, that at this point I involuntarily brace when I understand theyre coming. It was great at the beginning of 2020, but its September now and I d truthfully rather stab my eyes out with a pencil than check out the words “unprecedented times” or “brand-new typical” ever once again. Thats why I think the brand-new go-to phrase must be: Things are bad.
It solves to the point, most significantly were not all tired of it, and it doubles as a helpful measuring tool. Allow me to discuss. “Unprecedented times” is pretty broad and open-ended, you cant ask, “On a scale of one to ten, how unprecedented?” Unmatched is simply … unmatched. “Things are bad” though? That is something we can measure. If I opened with, “Things are bad,” and you, the live studio audience, asked, “How bad are they?” I could answer that concern.
And I will.
Due to the fact that, folks, things are so bad.
Things are so bad that this morning I was scrolling through newspaper article over a cup of coffee and I check out the heading VIETNAM POLICE BUST RING SELLING RECYCLED CONDOMS and didnt even bat an eye. I in fact had to scroll by two more articles about it prior to I resembled, alright, lets examine this out.
Jesus. Okay. So, Vietnam cops shut down this enormous operation in which a whole storage facility staff of individuals were cleaning up used condoms, repackaging them, and then offering them as brand-new. The police seized roughly 345,000 utilized condoms (terrible image in itself) and the warehouse supervisor said the shipments came monthly from some unknown, mystery source. “How did they pass them off as brand-new?” You might be asking yourself. Well! After they boiled the utilized prophylactics and dried them, they rolled them back into shape on a wood penis. After reading all of this, my only ideas were 1. Did they purchase the wood dick or did they make it themselves, and 2. Eh, a minimum of its eco friendly.
At least its eco friendly??
WHO MADE THE WOODEN PENIS???
There is just one proper reaction to a story like PEOPLE ARE MASS COLLECTING USED CONDOMS AND WASHING THEM FOR RESALE which is, “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.” However 2020 has not just used me down and turned me into such a weathered, seasoned, husk of a person that I read that and went “PAH! Thats absolutely nothing,” its been such a toothpaste-and-orange-juice year that, unfortunately however unsurprisingly, that wasnt even the worst thing I check out today. Numerous countless prophylactics in flow have already been utilized? Are they also sentient and here to ruin humankind? No? Then thats fine. Thats how bad things are.
It was great at the beginning of 2020, however its September now and I d honestly rather stab my eyes out with a pencil than read the words “extraordinary times” or “brand-new typical” ever once again. Thats why I think the brand-new go-to phrase must be: Things are bad.
“Things are bad”? Thats absolutely nothing,” its been such a toothpaste-and-orange-juice year that, unfortunately but unsurprisingly, that wasnt even the worst thing I read today. Thats how bad things are.